The new Vampiric Eastern Narrowmouth Fanged Toad emerged from its slimy habitat and began to feed. As the fates would have it, the Murphy Family Horse Ranch borders on the edge of the swamp. A more terrible coincidence could not have been imagined.
As you know, Gerald T. Murphy, not to be confused with his cousin Gerald P. Murphy the inventor of the TANG knock off, WANG , was for decades manipulating the breeding habits of Iberian Stallions. He had created, what he labeled “the horse master race”, a breed of horses, faster, stronger and more agile than any other on the planet.
A breed that became the Vampiric Eastern Narrowmouth Fanged Toad’s favorite prey.
Through some type of chemical interaction, that to this day still baffles world renowned astro-chemists, the Toad’s saliva combined with the manipulated DNA of the Murphy Iberian Stallions to create the new species Horsicus Terriblicus Scaricus.
The name Unicorn became popularized by the media months after the first incidents, because of
the unsightly bone protrusion that emerged from the horse’s skulls. The association to the fabled Unicorn was easy to make and the name stuck. The majestic and kind Unicorn of the past would forever be tainted by the stain of this genetic monster.The Murphy Iberian Stallions or if you prefer “Unicorns”, had metamorphosized into creatures far more terrible than our imaginations would have ever allowed. They could stand upright, they could run faster, they could jump higher and even far more terrible they could do long division. Yes…. They could think. But they weren’t thinking happy thoughts of flowing pastures, rainbow butterflies and sugar cubes. They were thinking about, fully automatic machine guns, napalm and weapons of mass destruction.
No one knows for sure why they attacked. Perhaps it was for the thousands of years of servitude
that their fore fathers had endured at the hands of our species, perhaps it was the whole turning them into glue thing that was in vogue for a time… once again we will never know.What we do know, is that the violence began between March 11 and 13th of 2004, at least that is what the county taxidermist was able to determine. The Murphy family came home from an evening out on the town, a movie and ice creams, to find five Unicorns waiting for them in their front room. Five blood thirsty Unicorns. The only remnants of the Murphy family were the stuffed and mounted heads of the family on the Unicorn’s barn wall.
The violence halted there for about a year as the Unicorns perfected their craft of war. They were able to harvest the Vampiric Eastern Narrowmouth Fanged Toad’s saliva and created a serum that combined their blood with the saliva. The Unicorns, like trained ninja stallions, began secretly contaminating nearby horse herds at night and their ranks swelled quickly. By the end of 2004 it is estimated that there were about 4,000 Unicorns living in the hidden marshes and conquered ranches of Florida, poised for action.
So that is the “official” story, that has been forced down the public’s throat, of how it began. I am here to tell you that you have been misled and lied to for these last six years. A lie that has been systematically and abhorrently continued by our government and many national news stations. The depths of the conspiracy go beyond the fathoms of the deepest Atlantic Ocean trench, twisting and corrupting the truth. A truth that now can no longer be suffocated, especially if the Hollywood producer calls, and that I shall divulge to you at his moment.
I have in my possession three indisputable pieces of evidence that “Dr. Mugumba Bol Hutt-atoe
Watanga”, who probably got his doctorate from an online school, did not discover the asteroid that hit the power plant.May I present fact numero uno, before I do, you need to know I am an
avid journaler and have kept a dream diary since I was 10. Back to fact uno, in early 2002 I have a personal diary entry of a dream. In this dream I saw a “galactic mass” speeding toward the earth.
Myself, Bruce Willis and Elijah Wood were able to destroy it before it reached the Earth, but not the entire asteroid.
A piece still reached earth and caused a perfect storm that killed George Clooney and trapped Jake Gylennhal in an ice age.
Because of that dream, I took up star gazing and discovered the asteroid way before this fictitious Dr. Watanga. Not only do I have contemporary written proof of the dream, but the testimony of my mom, friend Georgie and I would have had testimony of Pastor William Shrugs, but he was killed in the battle of Kmart 2008, to substantiate my story. The other two pieces of evidence I have are even way better than the first, but just like I said, its best not to show your whole hand right away. So from now on you can join me in calling the asteroid, the Higgendorf Asteroid, renamed after its rightful discoverer, me, Chester Vaughn Higgendorf, but you can call me Chesty.
