Chapter 1: Writing a History of the Wars...Why?

It seems strange that I am writing this anthology now, while still in the midst of perilous times. Stories, annals, or made for TV movies seem to bring closure to an event, so I feel that my efforts might be misplaced, as this story is far from over and to make matters worse, not one TV producer has gotten back to me about the script I sent them.

Perhaps sending the script with a lock of my hair may have been a misstep, but as you will see in the chapters that follow, no greater gift could I have bestowed upon a perfect stranger. Well, that may not be true, a lock of my hair and signed personal glamor shot, may have been a greater gift, however there is something to be said for not showing your whole hand at the beginning of the negotiation.

I learned that painful lesson the hard way at the battle of Denny’s, 2008… Yes I was there, and yes it was my fault. But I am jumping ahead, lets get back to why I am writing the story now.

Two reasons.

First, I feel heaven bound to those that have fallen in the conflict to get their story out, to set it straight and to lay before the world how great a sacrifice we have all made in the preservation of life, liberty and loved ones. Second, because I heard Sammy Applebottom was writing a memoirs of the Wars and I will be shinny-hammered if that dip wad lands a Hollywood contract before me.

If you are wondering where you have heard the name before, yes Sammy was the same guy who wrote that “famous” pamphlet “Bottoms Down: How to Protect Your Assets from Sphinxes and Rabid Beavers”.

Oh yeah, he was the toast of town for awhile there,

but talk about the most ludicrous and ill conceived

written public service pamphlet on the face of the planet.

Why do you ask? Don’t worry, I’ll explain, these were some of his main points.

“While hiding from a sphinx make sure you coat your body evenly with a layer of peanut butter and avoid riding even numbered wheeled vehicles, i.e. bicycles, roller skates and scooters. Unicycles, three wheelers and select odd wheeled rollerblades are fine.”

I would be rolling on the ground in hysterics right now if it wasn’t for all of the deaths that, that statement caused. I can count on more than one hand the people that got lathered up in peanut butter, strapped on their unicycle and took out for a summer ride… a ride that ended in being torn limb from limb by a ravaging alpine sphinx.

You see, Sammy forgot one crucial detail, it has to be Skippy Peanut butter! Not Peter Pan, not Jif, not Smart Balance, Not Smuckers, Not Nutter Butter, but Skippy! There are even several arguments that I could go into right now that Skippy chunky is preferable to Skippy smooth, but I will save that argument for another day.

Never the less a small point that ruined a couple of people’s days.

Next lets all chuckle at this next point in Sammy’s “famous” pamphlet,

“When confronted by the rabid beaver, lay prone on the ground and take short breaths every 15 to 20 seconds. The rabid beaver will become disinterested and find another prey.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m always carrying a stop watch on me in the occasion that I need to time out my breaths. Idiotic. How about this Sammy, “When confronted by the rabid beaver, RUN!”

Have you seen a beaver run? No? Because they don’t! They swim and do a light trot that a overweight dwarf could best. Not only is it easy to out run the beaver, be it rabid or not, but the rabid beaver epidemic occurred in parts of southern Ecuador and once or twice just outside of Mexico City. So that advice might have been helpful Sammy… if it was written in Spanish, you buffoon.